Time will tell...

Today I was listening to a lecture given by H.H.Radhanath Swami and H.H.Jahnanivas prabhu. One of the topics they touched upon is the topic of desire, and conviction. Both of them narrated a story of Srila Prabhupada.

One devotee asked Srila Prabhupada in a morning walk “Prabhupada, what is required from me to become Krishna Conscious?”…Prabhupada’s answer was one word “DESIRE!”

Bob Cohen from the American Peace Corp was in Mayapur in 1972 during the first Mayapur festival with the devotees and Srila Prabhupada. He had many questions regarding spiritualism and had question/answer sessions with Srila Prabhupada. These sessions were transcribed into a book called “Perfect Questions and Perfect Answers”. One of the answers given by Srila Prabhupada to a question was “first…you be convinced. You convince yourself that chanting Hare Krishna will take you back to Godhead. Then you give Krishna to others”.

These two short narrations made me think deeply about me. It was revealing to me that my DESIRE to serve Krishna is weak and my CONVICTION that the holy name is actually spiritual is also very weak. I have neither the desire nor the conviction it takes to become a devotee of Krishna with the proper etiquette and attitude.

I have been holding on to my past too long and too often. This is the biggest stumbling block in my advancement in spiritual life. I make too many plans only to get attached to them. I think too much only to get attached to my own thoughts. I give too much weight to my capabilities and incapabilities only to be proud or bitter over it. In all of this, I FAIL to do one thing – that is – surrender my thoughts, actions and words unto that Supreme Lord who is beyond all doubt and illusion, who can lift us from this mire of repeated birth and death and all suffering, and who is all transcendental and the supreme reservoir of all pleasure.

Henceforth, I beg unto that Supreme Lord to give me the DESIRE and CONVICTION to serve HIM in such a way that His representatives (i.e. the guru parampara) and the Supreme Lord Krishna Himself be pleased with my service (whatever that may be). The biggest struggle of all (it is not other people or religion or the atheists or anybody else) is to fight my own demons of false ego and pride.

Time will tell if i have won the battle or lost it!

Hare Krishna