how to handle feelings of hurt?

Everyone of us at some point in our lives would have been hurt by the words and the actions of others. The closer the individual is the painful we feel the hurt. The pain if not processed properly can offshoot to other emotions like anxiety, fear, guilt,anger, revenge, sadness, depression etc. Therefore it is important to process emotions and flush them out properly. Otherwise, it remains in the system and creates toxins in the form of hormones and thoughts.

In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna advised Arjuna to 'tolerate' the dualities of life. Lord Chaitanya says that false-prestige does not allow the seed of love of God to fructify in our hearts. Our scriptures also focus on virakti or detachment as a key ingredient to life. In plain sight for the un-initiated, tolerance, lack of false-prestige and detachment etc can come off as cold encouraging to reject our natural feelings such as hurt or pain. Because pain from other's words or actions can arise due to less tolerance and more attachment. The more prestige or ego we possess, the more we will feel pain. So it seems hurt and pain are in conflict with values prescribed in the scriptures. In one sense it is true. However, it is more important to deal with our emotions honestly than lofty spiritual values.

When Abhimanyu was murdered illicitly, Arjuna lamented tremendously and Krishna consoled him with soft words. When Subhadra and Draupadi heard of Abhimanyu's death, the queens cried pitifully and Krishna was standing there consoling them with soft words to take heart that Abhimanyu had attained a higher destination. Similarly, when Mother Sita was abducted by the evil Ravana, Lord Ramachandra cried in separation from His beloved wife. Lord Chaitanya's mother cried pitifully when she heard that her son is about to take sanyas. Like this we hear many stories where the Supreme Being Himself reacts to the miseries of this world as if He was an ordinary human.

It is interesting that in all the examples cited, emotions were not checked or controlled but rather expressed. This is the first step. When we are hurt or sad, we should grieve or express our emotions so we can process it. Keeping it inside (unless we are mature) will only cause more pain.

The second step is to react to the pain using knowledge. Krishna responds to the death of Abhimanyu by saying that great warriors who die in battle are glorious and reach a higher destination. Lakshman also pacifies Ramachandra by giving Him assurance of victory over Ravana. Mahaprabhu also assures His mother by giving her sound reasons for sanyas. So knowledge is necessary to deal with the situation. We have to step-back from our emotional state and look at the situation with a less emotional state. This will give clarity and aid more with the processing of pain.

The third step is affirmative action. Krishna requests Arjuna to take rest so next day they can plan in a strategic way to fulfill the vow. Ram and Lakshman made alliance with Sugriva for fulfilling their vow of getting back Sita. Mahaprabhu also decided to settle in Puri to assuage Mother Sachi's pain. Affirmative action actually helps us get past the pain in our heart. In other words, we use our intelligence and knowledge and make necessary 'next step' arrangements to deal with the crisis in a diligent manner.

All these three steps are necessary to deal with difficulties or pain in our life.

1. Expressing and processing our emotions
2. Step-back and seek intelligent counsel using knowledge (sadhu/shastra)
3. Affirmative action following intelligent counsel

As part of seeking counsel and knowledge (step 2), we have to see through the lens of tolerance,false prestige and attachment etc. In other words, our step 2 of intellectual processing happens through the counsel of advanced souls and/or scriptures. Our actions next (step 3) will therefore also be as a result of this counsel and can help us heal our pain and aid us to get back on track.

One can imagine how valuable spiritual culture and values are that even difficult times can help us attain a higher state. Today, unfortunately, we live in a materialistic culture and the result is suppressed emotions of fear of being judged and more chemical dependency. 

Chant Hare Krishna!

Hare Krishna